Thursday, November 20, 2014

DENTRO DE CADA MEXICANO VUELA EL AGUILA QUE DEVORARA LA SERPIENTE




Mis muy queridos herman@s Mexican@s,

Como canalizar la desesperación, la impotencia, la frustración,  el dolor? Como? Como le hacemos? Como le hago? Estas son algunas de las muchas preguntas que me he hecho por ya demasiado tiempo.


Hoy, quizás para tratar de sanar, decidí sentarme en mi jardín. Tome mi jarrito quebrado de barro que compré hace algunos años en Oaxaca y lo llene de Raicilla. Y escuche algunas de esas canciones que me regresan a casa. Me quería sentir cerca de ti, mi México. Cerca de las marchas. Cerca de mi gente. Y es entonces que comencé a escribir esta carta.

Soy orgullosamente Mexicana. Pero antes de ser Mexicana soy un ser humano, y un individuo. Después de ser individuo soy mujer, hermana, hija, sobrina, amiga, prima, nieta, tía, esposa, ciudadana de México. Antes de ser grupo, somos individuos.
Antes de ser un numero, somos seres únicos, irrepetibles y con un enorme potencial.
Para construir un país digno de representarnos debemos mirar hacia adentro e identificar al individuo, para después fortalecer al grupo.

Esto me lleva a preguntarme, quien es y cuando nació esta Mexicana que vive entre todas estas otras mujeres que constituyen mi yo?

Mi nombre es Natalia Córdova. Nací en el Distrito Federal, pero crecí en las selvas y playas de mi amado estado, Quintana Roo.

En mis venas corre la sangre de seres Mexicanos, soñadores, luchadores, rebeldes, idealistas, románticos. Les platicare de dos de los Mexicanos que formaron a la Mexicana en mi.

Dentro de mi corre la ideología y lucha de mi bisabuelo, Cesar Córdova Herrera.
Mi bisabuelo fue gobernador provisional del estado de Chiapas en el año 1925. Fue el primer político en otorgarle el derecho de votar a la mujer de su estado. El primer estado fue Yucatán en 1923, cuando durante el gobierno de Felipe Carrillo Puerto, se les otorgó el derecho municipal y estatal a votar y ser votadas. El segundo fue Chiapas, en mayo de 1925, mediante decreto del gobernador César Córdova Herrera: “Se reconocen a la mujer, de los 18 años en adelante, en todo el territorio del Estado de Chiapas, los mismos derechos políticos que el hombre”.
Desafortunadamente no tuve el privilegio de conocerlo en persona, pero se que este hombre vibra fuertemente en mi, y como mujer y mexicana tengo mucho que agradecerle.

Me educo un hombre, un gran Mexicano. Idealista. Soñador. Rebelde en su juventud. Estudiante de la UNAM. Participante del movimiento estudiantil de 1968. Extremadamente trabajador desde muy joven. Amante de su país. Mi padre. El me crío con total libertad. Me lleno de libros. Compartió conmigo desde muy pequeña sus sueños por México. Sus relatos sobre el movimiento estudiantil del 68 me llevaron a tatuarme el lema “seamos realistas, demandemos lo imposible” en el brazo izquierdo. Me enamoró de Ernesto “Che” Guevara, de Emiliano Zapata, y de Nelson Mandela.  Compartió conmigo sus escritos políticos que semanalmente publicaba en el periódico de Cancún. Me platico la historia de México, no la que cuentan en los libros de la SEP.  Si no la que se pasa de boca en boca, de abuela a nieto, de generación en generación. Compartió conmigo su frustración, su dolor, los retos que enfrentaba el país, las injusticias, y también los triunfos.

Recuerdo como si fuera ayer el dia que asesinaron a Luis Donaldo Colosio. Recuerdo donde escuchamos la noticia. Recuerdo la cara de mi padre, el hombre que me enseño a amar a México, desmoronada, incrédula. Bañada en disturbio. Recuerdo haber visto por primera vez a un hombre adulto doler profundamente por su patria. Recuerdo los sentimientos, palabras y promesas de esperanza que vibraban en México anteriores a esta fecha.
Recuerdo tener 12 años. Recuerdo perfectamente la ropa que traía yo puesta. Recuerdo sentir por primera vez los colmillos de México clavarse en mi pecho. Recuerdo lo que sentí, lo que pensé. Recuerdo subir al tercer piso del edificio “Popolnah” (aun en construcción) en la avenida  Nader. Recuerdo voltear al cielo estrellado de mi querido Cancún a través de la ventana sin vidrio y pedir por la vida del candidato. Recuerdo no saber bien si rezaba yo por Colosio o para que no tuviera yo que ser testigo del dolor y decepción que esta noticia había causado en mi padre y en otros mexicanos a mi alrededor. Recuerdo sentir que mi presente y el de México venían cargado de futuro. Recuerdo presentir que este momento traería muchas desgracias mas. Ese dia entendí lo que era pertenecer a un grupo bajo el nombre de patria. Ese dia me identifique con muchos otros como ciudadana de una nación que pasaba por una tragedia. Ese dia jure siempre tratar de buscar el bien para mi país.
Recuerdo ese dia como el despertar de la Mexicana en mi.

A partir de esa fecha me comprometí a informarme y educarme sobre los acontecimientos políticos, sociales y económicos del presente y pasado de México. Me comprometí a ser hermana de mi compatriotas. Me comprometí con la justicia, la libertad, la honestidad. Me comprometí con México.

Pasaron los años y en mi juventud, como puede ser común, me decepcione de mi país. Grite, mente madres, agredí a aquellos políticos y personas que sentí  le hacían mal a mi pueblo. Escribí con rabia y llanto. Viví fuertes confrontaciones y me pelee con desconocidos y conocidos que sentía yo que solo veían por si mismos. Con los apáticos que no hacían nada por mejorar la situación. Con aquellos que en mi juiciosa opinión volteaban la cara a las enormes injusticias por las que pasaba el país. Fui pesimista. Anarquista. Mi voz enojada y alta puso en cierto peligro a mi familia. Ataque a aquellos que destrozan a México y fui atacada de regreso.

Y que logró esta joven Mexicana con todo esto? No mucho, si no es que nada. Porque no se logra nada con furia y desorden. No logre nada porque deje lo mas importante fuera de todos mis gritos. Abandone al verdadero México en mis agresiones. Abandone al México que me ha dado todo. Abandoné la paz, abandoné la razón, abandoné todos lo libros que he leído, abandone a mi educación, abandoné mi hermandad, abandoné a los mexicanos silenciados por esta incontrolable violencia y me deje llevar por mi frustración, mi impotencia, mi enojo, y mi dolor.


Hoy, como lo dice esta famosa frase que esta en todas partes “ya me canse”.
Ya me canse de gritar. Ya me canse de agredir. Ya me canse de luchar con las mismas armas violentas con las que nuestro gobierno lucha en nuestra contra. Ya me canse de hablar de nuestro corrupto, inepto e injusto sistema gubernamental. Ya me canse de criticar. Ya me canse de llorar. Ya me canse de sentir un nudo en las tripas constantemente. Ya me canse de hablar de Enrique Peña Nieto. Ya me canse de decir que nuestro presidente no hay leído ni un libro. Ya me canse de escuchar a la “primera dama” “la gaviota” intentar mentirnos con su enorme falta de talento actoral, y tratar a mi gente como tarados. Ya me canse de culpar a Carlos Salinas de Gortari por todo lo que me ha tocado vivir como adulto en México. Ya me canse de escuchar a Mexicanos como Jesús Murillo Karam decir “Ya me canse”. Ya me canse de los partidos políticos, del PRI, del PAN, del disque Verde Ecologista, de Morena. Ya me canse de nuestros senadores, diputados y muchos mas representantes. Ya me canse de la apatía que corre como cáncer maligno por los cuerpos de tantos Mexicanos. Ya me canse de pelear en contra de gente conformista que no merece ni mi energía, ni la de cualquier otro buen Mexicano. Ya me canse de darme cuenta que la situación en la que estamos la crearon Mexicanos. No extraterrestres que conquistaron nuestra tierra, pero Mexicanos que decidieron robar, violar, secuestrar, matar, mentir, voltear la cara, romper la ley y cometer actos injustos. Ya me canse de sentirme decepcionada. Ya me canse de exponer las mentiras y corrupción de Televisa, empresa con la cual NUNCA acepte trabajar, pues siempre he pensado que mi pueblo merece mas calidad de la que esta empresa les sirve. Ya me case de nuestros medios de comunicación vendidos. Ya me canse de que la verdad tarde mas en ser dicha y creída que las mentiras. Ya me canse de alumbrar el mal. Ya me canse de la obscuridad.

Esto no quiere decir que me doy por vencida. Eso jamás. Mi “ya me canse” viene de un cambio de actitud, un cambio de perspectiva.

Hoy, elijo ser el ejemplo del México que quiero, deseo y creo firmemente que nos merecemos.  De hoy en adelante seamos, Mexicanos justos, honestos, congruentes, responsables.

La honestidad no es un deber social, ni un sacrificio por los demás. La honestidad es la virtud mas grande que el ser humano puede practicar. La honestidad es nunca sacrificar la realidad de nuestra existencia por nada, ni nadie.
La justicia es juzgar a cualquier ser con total y completo respeto por la verdad. Cuando un país, gobierno, sociedad o individuo le da a cualquier otro asunto mayor importancia que a la justicia, devalúa por completo su propia moralidad. La quiebra moral, un acto increíblemente injusto, es castigar a los hombres por sus virtudes y recompensarlos por sus vicios.
Congruencia es identificar que no podemos engañar a nuestra conciencia. Es reconocer que no se puede permitir ninguna violación entre acción, palabras y el pensamiento. Es serle fiel a la verdad, y a nuestra propia conciencia.
Responsabilidad es una disciplina moral exigente que muchos tratan de escapar. Es la plena aceptación de nuestras propias decisiones, acciones y sus consecuencias.

Eduquémonos, informémonos. Compartamos los hechos, no divulguemos y le demos mas importancia a chismes, chistes y mentiras. Basemos nuestra lucha en lo mejor de nosotros, no en lo peor del enemigo. El ser humano tiene una única opción básica: pensar o no pensar, y eso es el indicador de su potencial. Seamos Mexicanos de pensamiento.
El sistema político, económico, jurídico y social de un país, esta basado en su código de moralidad. Si vamos a reconstruir a México en una premisa moral tenemos que nosotros como individuos vivir a diario esa moralidad. La primordial razón de existir de un gobierno es para proteger los derechos de sus ciudadanos. Nuestro gobierno ha fallado en su primordial razón de ser. No nos fallemos a nosotros mismos como hermanos, protejamos tanto nuestros derechos como los del prójimo. No dejemos a el gran Mexicano dentro de todos nosotros perecer en esta solitaria decepción. Luchemos, pero luchemos por lo mejor de nosotros como individuos y como pueblo. Marchemos por nuestras virtudes que son tan abundantes. 
Mexicanos por el bien común. Mexicanos por la paz.

El cambio no esta por venir, el cambio esta presente y su motor somos nosotros. El cambio toma tiempo. Toma dificultad, llanto, dolor, sangre y muertes. Pero el cambio ya es nuestro. El cambio no es de aquellos que le temen. El cambio es del verdadero México. De aquellos ciudadanos descontentos e indignados. Encontremos la formula para cambiar juntos. Marchemos contra corriente pero unidos. Con el corazón lleno de orgullo de ser Mexicanos. Sin complejos, ni discriminaciones. Mujeres y hombres a la par. Con la ardiente convicción de que nada es imposible. Con las mismas ganas y esperanza con la que se entregaron los héroes de nuestra historia. De la mano de nuestros valientes estudiantes del 68, los jóvenes de Ayotzinapa, y las miles de almas anónimas que a diario nos susurran...Fuerza.
Porque este cáncer, que parece que nos come, tiene sanación y la medicina esta en nuestras manos.  Si, estamos muy cansados, estamos mas que hartos, estamos llenos de dolor y rabia. Pero son estos sentimientos los que acabaran con nosotros antes de acabar con el mal que rige nuestra patria. No dejemos que este cáncer corra por nuestras venas. No dejemos que consuma nuestro espíritu. No mandemos mensajes de agotamiento, desesperación y violencia. No perdamos la batalla antes de iniciar la verdadera lucha por un mejor México.

No nos enfoquemos en ser “anti  mal”. Enfoquémonos en ser “por el bien”. No le otorguemos mas energía y luz a aquellos que tanta obscuridad nos han dado. Seamos lideres que luchan con la paz, la bondad, la empatia, la justicia, la libertad como sus lemas. Seamos aquellos Mexicanos que México necesita. Seamos la luz que abre brecha para mas luz.

Dentro de cada uno de nosotros aquí y ahora palpita una pasión inconmensurable por nuestra gente, nuestros herman@s. 
Unámonos.
Dentro de cada uno de nosotros aquí y ahora vive el Mexican@ que lograra el cambio. Identifiquémoslo.
Dentro de cada uno de todos nosotros aquí y ahora se encuentra la luz, el amor, la inteligencia, la integridad y la bondad para sanar las heridas de México. 
Compartámoslas. 
Dentro de cada uno de nosotros aquí y ahora esta la medicina para aniquilar a este cáncer que nos consume.
Saneémonos.
Dentro de cada uno de nosotros, vibra el gran Mexicano que se merece nuestro país. El individuo que hará mas fuerte al grupo. Identifiquemos a este Mexicano y pongámonos al servicio del otro, no solo de nosotros mismo. Solo así podremos otorgarle a nuestro México bello y amado el grupo de individuos Mexicanos que se merece, el grupo de individuos Mexicanos que cambiara a nuestra patria.

Dentro de TI, dentro de MI, dentro de CADA UNO DE NOSOTROS vuela el águila que devorara a la serpiente.

Duende, siempre duende.



-N.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

BREADCRUMBS


Jessie Marion King
To the women who have written me…

Since I started this blog I have been blessed and very happy to receive letters from women all over the world. Yes, only women. Women I have never met in person, women willing to connect with one another. And for this, before I go any further, I would like to say thank you! Thank you, for your honesty, for your desire to share and connect. I want you all to know how much I respect your words and how much I value you trusting me with your questions, sentiments and expression. 

The letters I’ve received have two common denominators.  The first is the inherent human need to reach out, to connect, which I absolutely love and find essential to our wroth as women and beings. The second is a sense of loneliness, depression, feeling lost within yourselves and the world.
Many of you have asked for my advice, particularly on this second matter. I do not know that I have any remedy or true advice, but, I will try to accompany you on this path and the only way I know how to do that is by letting you know that you are not alone when it comes to traveling this particular road.
Julia Margaret Cameron
Who am I to give advice? I am a 31 year old woman in diapers, who makes mistakes constantly, gets confused more than 3 times a day, questions everything and very much like all of you, is searching for something beyond the horizon. Beyond the palpable, sometimes not even knowing what that "something" is exactly. But we can feel it, right? We can sense its arrival and departure. That "something" that transforms us in a matter of seconds. That which makes us happy and fulfilled: Our light.


I know the search you all write about. Sometimes this search leads me to glorious green gardens, flowing with discovery, a land that feels comfortable and a lot like home. Other times, out of nowhere this search can also lead me to unknown lands, also of discovery, but where I am constantly tested. Lands, where the only way to come back is by peering inside, and trusting wholeheartedly that my soul knows the way. Lands, that, test your faith, primarily the faith in yourself.
In the travels between these lands, we all tend to get lost, find ourselves, and eventually get lost all over again. I believe thats the formula to exploration, revelation and transformation.
Gabriel Munter
I want you all to know that I hear you, I see you, or actually, in this case I read you. I know that room without an exit door of which you speak of. The loneliness of the soul, the life that collapses as if it were made of sand and water, the weariness that slowly shatters the bones, the anger that numbs the jaw. I know well how it feels to be blind with eyes that see, deaf with ears that hear, insane with a working mind and vibrating soul, paralyzed whilst having feet and legs that walk, alone even when arms embrace you.

I know the road you are on. I've traveled it before, at various times of my short life and I still travel it occasionally. I want you to know that it is not wrong to find yourself on this unsteady road. I also want you to know that there is a way out. There is balance, there is light, there is peace and there is love. But all these wonders are not found at the end of this obscure road, they are found during the travels.

Pierre Bonnard
Forgive me for not being able to address each of your situations individually. I can however, distinguish that the majority seem to spring from a place of feeling rejected and therefore alone and fearful of solitude.
The only place I can speak from is experience. And from that very young experience, I can tell you that we are never truly alone, even in solitude. You always have yourself. And that's the best company, friendship and most important relationship you will ever have and know. Do not be afraid of solitude. Solitude is a great friend of mine. I miss her when we are distant. I yearn for her as I yearn for a long walk early in the morning when the fog begins to retreat to a place I've never seen or been, but hope to some day find. Solitude is a wonderful companion and teacher.


Henri Emile Benoit Matisse
Dear ladies, there are so many things in all of you to be proud of.  As far as I can read, you are all incredibly sensitive beings, willing to be vulnerable enough to share with me your questions, doubts, fears and desires. Lovely writers and avid readers. Be proud of your eagerness to feel, for that reflects your boundless capacity to love. And that ladies, as far as I am concerned is the talent of all talents. Feel pride in the brave honesty and rooted humility you must posses to be able to accept the pains, the doubts, the sorrows, the mistakes, and to have the courage to reveal them to yourself and others. Feel pride in being a women that does not succumb to the quiet, submissive, unquestioning model that we have been made to believe the female gender should be. Feel pride in your search, your spirited travels. Feel pride of the road that is your life. However it may look like from the outside. No matter the amount of bumps or holes on it. This all is what defines the woman you are and will become. Take pride in every single miniscule step.
Do not escape your road, do not stop traveling within yourselves; face your road, for it is yours and only yours.

Ramon Casas i Carbo
I too, like some of you expressed, have a tendency to see the dark side of the world and of people. I think all very sensitive people have that burdening blessing. We feel it all and we feel it greatly.  But we must learn to see the light as well and fortify our bond with it. It's a muscle we must learn to strengthen. I practice this every day. Some days its easier than others. For many years now, I have worked on creating my own light, my own torch. Be it by reading, writing, taking walks, being surrounded by my dearest ones (animals included), meditation, exercise, being in nature, therapy, learning from people I admire. So I may be able to be my own guide when dusk comes knocking.  I also try to live in a perpetual state of gratefulness. And when I cant seem to find or stay grounded to this grateful state, I go back to the things, places and people where I know I can find my light.
So, create that light for yourselves. Do more of what makes your spirit blossom. Do more of what makes you breathe easier. That is where you will find your light. Be yourself undoubtedly, even if the world responds with a closed door, or a closed up heart. 


Peter Severin Kroyer

This is your life dear women, and only you can build it. Whatever it is you decide to do, whatever path you choose to take, always remember that the world would be better if there were more women like the women who wrote me these letters. And it is for this very significant reason that life and this world needs you. Few have the guts to walk this scary but adventurous road. Write the story of that journey and immortalize it with pen and paper so that one day, hopefully, it will serve someone else. Be the breadcrumbs in the middle of a forest that brings them home.


So, go put on your wings and take flight. Focus on the beauty that surrounds you every day and be thankful (even though it can be hard at times) for the blessings that life gave you. Strengthen that bond with yourselves.  Sew the seeds of who you are to your core. Own the tale you were meant to tell. Shine YOUR light, even when nobody else seems to see it. The universe, God, life….sees it. And now gratefully and humbly so do I. 

Pablo Picasso
I hope to find you all well. 
I hope that this letter reaches you all and creates something within you. Anything. Whatever that "something" may be.   

I am here. Though in a distant land, and time, and without having seen each other’s eyes, we are now connected.  I am proud to know you. Again, I thank you for reading and writing me.

I believe this is the road that creates wisdom dear ladies! Find comfort in that.

I send you all love, wherever you may be, the wind’s back will carry it...

Duende, siempre duende.

-N.




Tuesday, July 15, 2014

LIVE



LIVE...

On the edge of madness,
With the suicidal instinct to love without end,
In truth’s endless quest.

LIVE...

On justice’s solitary path,
With your insides screaming freedom,
In a body painted the color of tolerance.

LIVE …

On equality's noble march,
With kindness guiding your acts,
In love with yourself and all,

LIVE...


Without limits to silence your words.
Without barriers to halt your steps.
Without fear to cease your search.



Live, fiercely and passionately, chasing that which you are meant to live for.



Duende, siempre duende.

-N




Sunday, June 29, 2014

LOVE


LOVE.

Its competitive instinct, that throws us off course.
Vying for one another's attention.
Revelations of desire and pain.
Confessions of fear, insecurities and validity.
Dependency, attachment. Spats of consequence.

Love is risky between us beings of creation.
But, were we not meant for inspiration?
Are we not here but for the breeding of connection?
We weep and plead for loves continuity, stability, and consistency.
Yet, we cyclically scream the distinctions between our cultures, color, gender, religion and race.
Love is a hard way, the elders say.
To keep loving is bestial, dire and uncertain.  
Wondering constantly if the devastation of its loss will cease.
Whining that the past is dead.
Wishing for beings of another age.
The breasts of our mother's unconditional love are sown and we are lost, searching for the lukewarm milk, now treaded upon dirt and trash.

All one must do is find it, the elders say. And yet she and he and we cannot.
The young girl prematurely loves a boy, but will not to tell him so.
The woman secretly loves another woman but will never act upon it.
The poet “incestually” loves a cousin but neither of them knows it.
The son loved his father and never asked for that needed embrace of recognition.
The lover ceaselessly hopes to be his love’s only one.

And hidden longings still remain untold.
Comply with the system, uphold society’s beliefs, justify the agony of the caged with the comfort of the free, unearth desolation through wanton hearts, outcast the rebels, cheer the sheep, objectify the misunderstood and disregard the minority.

The problem lying within the simple rule that still becomes the question...

Are we here to find love?


No friends were here to maintain it, cultivate, and sustain it.


LOVE has completed its destination…

Through the trees, the oceans, the mountains, the rivers, the wind, the rain, the fog, the snow and skies.
Through the creation of the universe, stars, moon and sun.
Through the flight of eagles, the glide of dolphins, the winsomeness of hummingbirds and the howling of wolves.
Through music and dance.
Through the power of expression, the arts.
Through free will.
Through the fulfillment of dreams.
Through our ancestors, grandparents, and parents.
Through our descendants, children, and grandchildren.
Through the warmth of family.
Through the reuniting of lost ones.
Through friendship, parenthood and sister-brotherhood.
Through the end of war.
Through the victory of justice.
Through the search for peace.
Through the laughter of people.
Through birth and through death.
Through the presence of light in darkness.
Through happiness and sadness.
Through knowledge, principles and virtues.
Through respect, integrity and kindness.
Through the eternal memory of our long gone loved ones.
Through the infinite sea of my lover’s eyes.


LOVE has completed its destination through ALL, through US, through YOU.


LOVE is eternal here.

There is nothing to find, there is no need to search.

LOVE has never left.



Duende, siempre duende.

-N




Friday, June 13, 2014

BLESSED WITH A BURDEN


Hello Humanity,

I’ve decided to start a blog.  I have no idea how the blog world works or exactly what it’s about, but, as with any creation or art form, I will take it as an expression and for that I’m guessing... there are no rules.  And for this freedom, I am ecstatically grateful!
Here it is, my very first entry.
It shall be called..  as the blog has been called:

Blessed with a burden…

Why?

It all starts with a peculiar characteristic that I was born with: a deep need and desire to connect.  A need to move, and by move, I do not mean to literally ‘physically’ move, but rather to create movement within...to move the soul. To reach for that life force, to reach for what my dear Federico Garcia Lorca called, Duende.  And in that reach, find your vehicle of connection and if blessed enough, to find what I like to call "the wind's back", ride on it into the spirit's undiscovered shores.

Dance was my first vehicle of connection.  For eighteen years it represented the wind's back.  I would dance for anyone willing to watch.  I would pretend to be whatever character the music whispered I was.  Allowing myself to go through any emotion that the dance would spring forward.  Until one day, around the age of twelve, a family member told me that my way of expression was “embarrassing, and very uncomfortable for others to witness”. 
I completely shut down, I began to doubt myself and shy away from searching for my artistry.  I felt shame for being the way I was, the way I still am.  I felt crazy in the eyes of others, for desiring to feel it all and to feel it greatly.  I felt selfish for needing to share it. And so, I abandoned the wind's back.

As the years passed on, I tried on many different armors, went through many distinct stages.  Trying desperately to fit in, betraying the unique quality that defined me and criticizing it when I saw it in others.  Anything that would save me from the embarrassment that my need to connect had brought me.  Ultimately, fighting a lost battle, alone and against myself.  None of this helped, whatsoever.  It just made it worse.  The fire within, was burning its way out of me.  Consuming me.  I got angry at the world.  The burden was beginning to be too heavy.  I needed to connect, I needed to reach.  So, I decided to fly away.  In search for my place in this world.  I wanted to travel on the wind's back again. For the wind is everywhere, it touches everything and everyone, at a certain point in life its bound to move and shake every single one of us, its up above and down bellow. It resides outside and inside all. It can be strong and soft. Its constant movement. Its all encompassing. But, to ride on its back again, I had to be brave, be emotionally naked, engage, share and be willing to truly be seen.  No matter what the outcome was. 
Did I stumble?  Indeed I did.  Did I hurt?  You bet I did.  Did I experience shame again?  I most certainly did.  BUT...I also began to accept myself without exceptions and therefore encountered the tranquility and beauty that it is to love oneself.  This all resulting in the discovery of kindred spirits, people like me, who were also running in search for "stillness". 

See, I believe our world suffers, from a deadly disease.  Deadly because it kills our most primal need, the need to connect with each other.  And that sickness is: that we are inherently unwilling to feel, be moved, or allow others and ourselves to truly be seen.  Therefore, we unknowingly cast aside those that do.  We suffer from the idea that we have to fit in, when uniqueness is so much more interesting.  We suffer from trying to group everything together, from having to have a box for everyone.  Is it being close-minded?  Maybe.  But I believe it is actually being close-hearted.  Why are we so dreadfully afraid of connecting?  Is it fear that we will look within and perhaps find a weird, unique voice and come to the realization that it is completely different from what’s accepted or in fashion?  Is it the fear to be seen as we are, with all our cracks?  Or is it the fear of not being accepted?  Is it the fear of not being enough? Or is it the fear of the potential emotional risk, that it involves, to be open-hearted?  Is it all just fear to connect, to consciously engage?  To ride on the wind's back? 

“Blessed with a burden” is a term that Brian, my husband invented to describe his artistry, his fire, the need to connect with the world.  It deeply resonated with me and so I now use it for myself.  To be an artist or to just be willing to be seen, in all the expression of the word, is a wonderful blessing but also a heavy, lonely, burden.

It means: to feel as intensely for others as you feel for yourself.  To accept the ugly and the beautiful, the darkness and the light, that shapes you as well as others and be grateful for those two opposing forces.  It means to be compassionate.  To know empathy.

It means: to constantly take risks.  To engage. To look within, question others and ourselves.  It means to be fearless enough to willingly be emotionally exposed and truly be seen.  It means to be courageous.  To know bravery.

It means: to constantly ride on the wind's back.  Letting it lead you to your destination.   Be it a feeling, a creation, a person, a place.  It means to constantly reach.  It means to live in a perpetual state of humility with all.  It means to constantly be aware that we all are worthy of love.  It means to engage and be connected.  To search for the human experience.

I am now an actress, an actress living in the jungle of Los Angeles, faced daily with the reality that no one is going to give me "the wind's back". And so I must keep searching for it, crafting it, creating it.  Connecting, somehow, somewhere, with you all, my readers, my partners in travel.

And so, for now, this blog shall be just that…my wind's back. 

A space that demands that I show up, engage, feel and BE truthful. 
A space, where I will fail and therefore learn.
A space, where I can reach and hopefully connect.
A space, for the human experience.
A space, for vulnerability.
A space, for worthiness.

And so, I shall burden you all with this blessing and hopefully someday bless you with my burden….



Duende, siempre duende.

-N.