Hello
Humanity,
I’ve
decided to start a blog. I have no
idea how the blog world works or exactly what it’s about, but, as with any
creation or art form, I will take it as an expression and for that I’m guessing... there are no rules. And for this freedom, I am ecstatically grateful!
Here it is,
my very first entry.
It shall be
called.. as the blog has been called:
Blessed with
a burden…
Why?
Why?
It all
starts with a peculiar characteristic that I was born with: a deep need and desire to connect. A need to
move, and by move, I do not mean to literally ‘physically’ move, but rather to
create movement within...to move the soul. To reach for that life force, to reach for what my dear Federico Garcia Lorca called, Duende. And in that reach, find your vehicle of connection and if blessed
enough, to find what I like to call "the wind's back", ride on it into the spirit's undiscovered shores.
Dance was my first vehicle of connection. For eighteen years it represented the wind's back. I would dance for
anyone willing to watch. I would pretend to be whatever character the music
whispered I was. Allowing myself to go through any emotion that the dance would spring forward. Until one day, around the age of twelve, a family member told me that my way of expression was
“embarrassing, and very uncomfortable for others to witness”.
I completely shut down, I began to doubt myself and shy away from searching for my artistry. I felt shame for being the way I was, the way I still am. I felt crazy in the eyes of others, for desiring to feel it all and to feel it greatly. I felt selfish for needing to share it. And so, I abandoned the wind's back.
I completely shut down, I began to doubt myself and shy away from searching for my artistry. I felt shame for being the way I was, the way I still am. I felt crazy in the eyes of others, for desiring to feel it all and to feel it greatly. I felt selfish for needing to share it. And so, I abandoned the wind's back.
As the years passed on, I tried on many different armors, went
through many distinct stages. Trying desperately to fit in, betraying the unique quality that defined me and criticizing it when I saw it in others. Anything that would save me from the embarrassment that my need to connect had brought me. Ultimately, fighting a lost battle, alone and against myself. None of this helped, whatsoever. It just made it worse. The fire within, was burning its way out of me. Consuming me. I got angry at the world. The burden was beginning to be too heavy. I needed to connect, I needed to reach. So, I decided to fly away. In search for my place in this world. I wanted to travel on the wind's back again. For the wind is everywhere, it touches everything and everyone, at a certain point in life its bound to move and shake every single one of us, its up above and down bellow. It resides outside and inside all. It can be strong and soft. Its constant movement. Its all encompassing. But, to ride on its back again, I had to be brave, be emotionally naked, engage, share and be willing to truly be seen. No matter what the outcome was.
Did I stumble? Indeed I did. Did I hurt? You bet I did. Did I experience shame again? I most certainly did. BUT...I also began to accept myself without exceptions and therefore encountered the tranquility and beauty that it is to love oneself. This all resulting in the discovery of kindred spirits, people like me, who were also running in search for "stillness".
Did I stumble? Indeed I did. Did I hurt? You bet I did. Did I experience shame again? I most certainly did. BUT...I also began to accept myself without exceptions and therefore encountered the tranquility and beauty that it is to love oneself. This all resulting in the discovery of kindred spirits, people like me, who were also running in search for "stillness".
See, I believe our world
suffers, from a deadly disease. Deadly because it kills our most primal need,
the need to connect with each other. And that sickness is: that we are inherently unwilling to feel, be moved, or allow others and ourselves to truly
be seen. Therefore, we unknowingly cast aside those that do. We suffer from the
idea that we have to fit in, when uniqueness is so much more interesting. We suffer from trying to group everything together, from having to have a box for everyone. Is it being close-minded? Maybe. But I believe it is actually being close-hearted. Why are we so dreadfully afraid of connecting? Is it fear that we will look within and perhaps find a weird, unique voice and come to the
realization that it is completely different from what’s accepted or in fashion? Is it the fear to be seen as we are, with
all our cracks? Or is it the fear of not being accepted? Is it the fear of not being enough? Or is it the fear of the potential emotional risk, that it
involves, to be open-hearted? Is it all just fear to connect, to consciously engage? To ride on the wind's back?
“Blessed
with a burden” is a term that Brian, my husband invented to describe his
artistry, his fire, the need to connect with the world. It deeply resonated
with me and so I now use it for myself. To be an artist or to just be willing to be seen, in all the expression of the word, is a wonderful blessing but also a heavy, lonely, burden.
It means: to feel as intensely for others as you feel for yourself. To accept the ugly and the beautiful,
the darkness and the light, that shapes you as well as others and be grateful
for those two opposing forces. It means to be compassionate. To know empathy.
It means: to
constantly take risks. To engage. To look within, question others and ourselves. It means to
be fearless enough to willingly be emotionally exposed and truly be seen. It means to be courageous. To know bravery.
It means: to
constantly ride on the wind's back. Letting it lead you to your destination. Be it a feeling, a creation, a person, a
place. It means to constantly reach. It means to live in a perpetual state of humility with all. It means to constantly be aware that we all are worthy of
love. It means to engage and be connected. To search for the human experience.
I am now an
actress, an actress living in the jungle of Los Angeles, faced daily with the reality that no
one is going to give me "the wind's back". And so I must keep searching for it,
crafting it, creating it.
Connecting, somehow, somewhere, with you all, my readers, my partners in
travel.
And so, for
now, this blog shall be just that…my wind's back.
A space that
demands that I show up, engage, feel and BE truthful.
A space,
where I will fail and therefore learn.
A space,
where I can reach and hopefully connect.
A space, for
the human experience.
A space, for
vulnerability.
A space, for
worthiness.
And so, I
shall burden you all with this blessing and hopefully someday bless you with my
burden….
Duende, siempre duende.
-N.
-N.
Everyone has words and competent people can put words together to tell stories and tales and teach...etc.
ReplyDeleteBut so far and few can string words together and actually move a person to feel a multitude of emotions. Your words do not just come off the screen, your words paint a picture and one can feel their breath actually dissipate from their lungs and then breathe in new life.
Beyond in love with your words and how powerful they are.
Thank you Ana! I am beyond humbled and grateful for your time and expression. All I've ever wanted was to move, if I accomplish it in you, well, I am happy.
DeleteIt doesn't surprise me that you are as artistic with words as you are with all else you touch. I look forward to more and being inspired! xoxox Char
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Char! I am so happy you enjoy my writing. Thank you for taking the time to read me and write me. I look forward to more exchanges between. xo
DeleteWow, hija ~ you have found your niche!! We are SOOOOO proud of you!
ReplyDeleteTu suegros
Thank you suegros!!! We love you!!!
DeleteQue lindas palabras! no hay nada mas lindo que encontrar un lugar donde expresarse. Muchos éxitos con el blog! ♥
ReplyDeleteMuchas gracias Florence! Tienes toda la razon. Si lo disfrutas porfavor compartelo con tu gente. Entre mas coneccion mejor. Besos
DeleteThank you for sharing... I'll wait for more :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Gina!!! New one coming really soon. Share along with your friends and family. Xo
DeleteWow. Thanks to a friend on twitter I saw this entry. Believing as I do that people are placed right in front of you when you need them the most I am amazed and awestruck by who your words resonated with me. I believe these words will resonate with many as it is such an uncomplicated and brilliant manifesto. Thank you for creating this blog.
ReplyDelete