BLESSED WITH A BURDEN

Hello Humanity,

I’ve decided to start a blog.  I have no idea how the blog world works or exactly what it’s about, but, as with any creation or art form, I will take it as an expression and for that I’m guessing... there are no rules.  And for this freedom, I am ecstatically grateful!

Here it is, my very first entry.

It shall be called..  as the blog has been called:

Blessed with a burden…

Why?

It all starts with a peculiar characteristic that I was born with: a deep need and desire to connect.  A need to move, and by move, I do not mean to literally ‘physically’ move, but rather to create movement within...to move the soul. To reach for that life force, to reach for what my dear Federico Garcia Lorca called, Duende.  And in that reach, find your vehicle of connection and if blessed enough, to find what I like to call "the wind's back", ride on it into the spirit's undiscovered shores.

Dance was my first vehicle of connection.  For eighteen years it represented the wind's back.  I would dance for anyone willing to watch.  I would pretend to be whatever character the music whispered I was.  Allowing myself to go through any emotion that the dance would spring forward.  Until one day, around the age of twelve, a family member told me that my way of expression was “embarrassing, and very uncomfortable for others to witness”. 
I completely shut down, I began to doubt myself and shy away from searching for my artistry.  I felt shame for being the way I was, the way I still am.  I felt crazy in the eyes of others, for desiring to feel it all and to feel it greatly.  I felt selfish for needing to share it. And so, I abandoned the wind's back.

As the years passed on, I tried on many different armors, went through many distinct stages.  Trying desperately to fit in, betraying the unique quality that defined me and criticizing it when I saw it in others.  Anything that would save me from the embarrassment that my need to connect had brought me.  Ultimately, fighting a lost battle, alone and against myself.  None of this helped, whatsoever.  It just made it worse.  The fire within, was burning its way out of me.  Consuming me.  I got angry at the world.  The burden was beginning to be too heavy.  I needed to connect, I needed to reach.  So, I decided to fly away.  In search for my place in this world.  I wanted to travel on the wind's back again. For the wind is everywhere, it touches everything and everyone, at a certain point in life its bound to move and shake every single one of us, its up above and down bellow. It resides outside and inside all. It can be strong and soft. Its constant movement. Its all encompassing. But, to ride on its back again, I had to be brave, be emotionally naked, engage, share and be willing to truly be seen.  No matter what the outcome was. 
Did I stumble?  Indeed I did.  Did I hurt?  You bet I did.  Did I experience shame again?  I most certainly did.  BUT...I also began to accept myself without exceptions and therefore encountered the tranquility and beauty that it is to love oneself.  This all resulting in the discovery of kindred spirits, people like me, who were also running in search for "stillness". 

See, I believe our world suffers, from a deadly disease.  Deadly because it kills our most primal need, the need to connect with each other.  And that sickness is: that we are inherently unwilling to feel, be moved, or allow others and ourselves to truly be seen.  Therefore, we unknowingly cast aside those that do.  We suffer from the idea that we have to fit in, when uniqueness is so much more interesting.  We suffer from trying to group everything together, from having to have a box for everyone.  Is it being close-minded?  Maybe.  But I believe it is actually being close-hearted.  Why are we so dreadfully afraid of connecting?  Is it fear that we will look within and perhaps find a weird, unique voice and come to the realization that it is completely different from what’s accepted or in fashion?  Is it the fear to be seen as we are, with all our cracks?  Or is it the fear of not being accepted?  Is it the fear of not being enough? Or is it the fear of the potential emotional risk, that it involves, to be open-hearted?  Is it all just fear to connect, to consciously engage?  To ride on the wind's back? 

“Blessed with a burden” is a term that Brian, my husband invented to describe his artistry, his fire, the need to connect with the world.  It deeply resonated with me and so I now use it for myself.  To be an artist or to just be willing to be seen, in all the expression of the word, is a wonderful blessing but also a heavy, lonely, burden.

It means: to feel as intensely for others as you feel for yourself.  To accept the ugly and the beautiful, the darkness and the light, that shapes you as well as others and be grateful for those two opposing forces.  It means to be compassionate.  To know empathy.

It means: to constantly take risks.  To engage. To look within, question others and ourselves.  It means to be fearless enough to willingly be emotionally exposed and truly be seen.  It means to be courageous.  To know bravery.

It means: to constantly ride on the wind's back.  Letting it lead you to your destination.   Be it a feeling, a creation, a person, a place.  It means to constantly reach.  It means to live in a perpetual state of humility with all.  It means to constantly be aware that we all are worthy of love.  It means to engage and be connected.  To search for the human experience.

I am now an actress, an actress living in the jungle of Los Angeles, faced daily with the reality that no one is going to give me "the wind's back". And so I must keep searching for it, crafting it, creating it.  Connecting, somehow, somewhere, with you all, my readers, my partners in travel.

And so, for now, this blog shall be just that…my wind's back. 

A space that demands that I show up, engage, feel and BE truthful. 

A space, where I will fail and therefore learn.

A space, where I can reach and hopefully connect.

A space, for the human experience.

A space, for vulnerability.

A space, for worthiness.

And so, I shall burden you all with this blessing and hopefully someday bless you with my burden….

Duende, siempre duende.

-N.